The Christmas season is almost upon us, so it's time to get those holiday decorations down from the attic and dive headfirst into the holiday spirit. With approximately 225 million people celebrating Christmas worldwide each year, there are bound to be some questionable Yuletide decorations out there. Let's take a look and learn how NOT to decorate for Christmas so Santa Claus doesn't pass over your house out of disgust for your disrespect toward the holiday.
You won't believe what someone did to their toilet to "celebrate" Christmas!
"Slay Bells" Ring
Here, we have the Christmas decorations of that one neighbor who nobody ever sees except when they're mowing their lawn four times a day. It's the house that your parents tell you not to go trick or treating at every year, and you run past it whenever you're walking your dog. Nobody even knows when they managed to put this tasteful decoration up, it just appeared there one night. Either someone really hates Christmas, or we're misinterpreting this decoration. We assume it's the latter. However, props for the creativity. It must have been difficult to make Christmas decorations look this sinister.
Gold, Frankincense, Myrrh, and Miller Light
Christmas is synonymous with alcohol, right? Well, apparently, baby Jesus feels the same way. It appears that moments after birth, he was presented with a fresh 30 pack of Miller Light to help celebrate his immaculate conception and birth. After revelers drank all of the beer, the empty box served as a perfect place for baby Jesus to lay his head and wait for the three Wise Men to show up with the rest of his gifts. We don't know about you, but this looks like the true spirit of Christmas to us. Either that, or this creative crèche is on display on the front porch of the local fraternity house.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Something tells us that this person might drive a Prius. Why would you throw away a perfectly good pumpkin when it could be "upcycled" from a Halloween decoration into Christmas décor? This person is doing their part to save our fragile world. They're not buying cheap plastic Christmas decorations every year or wasting electricity on lights, they're using completely organic and recycled decorations. Some people may scoff at this decoration and say it is lacking in Christmas spirit when really it should just be the thought that counts. We need more people like you in this world, friend.
Breaking The Seal
What it looks like we have here are some realist holiday decorators. Nobody ever wants to think that maybe Santa Claus has bodily functions too and that sometime between his 20th and 30th glass of milk he might have to stop and take care of his business. According to this display, the roof is the most fun place for Santa to relieve himself, unless you'd rather him come in and your own bathroom inside. The next time you hear a little trickling outside your window on Christmas Eve, you should know exactly what's going on and be honored that Santa chose your house out of all the others.
How The Grinch Saved Christmas
What we have here is a textbook minimalist decorator. For some reason, this tactic can be incredibly effective. Although it involved minimal work on the homeowners' part, there is no argument that this household is completely prepared for Christmas. There is a certain level of creativity necessary to execute this kind of decorating, and we're sure that their neighbors who put a little more effort into decorating their house are envious for not thinking of this first. We tip our hats to the decorator who pulled this one off. You are a visionary, my friend. Keep up the good work.
A Redneck Christmas
Apparently, some hunters and gun enthusiasts feel obligated need to incorporate their guns into the holiest of festivities, and now you can too. These light-up shotgun shells are the perfect adornments to hang all over your house so you can celebrate Christmas and the 2nd Amendment at the same time! If you look on the mantel, there's even a skull of one of the reindeer they shot down from the sky last year. Rudolph's remains now sit as a trophy and are used as another Christmas decoration. The individuals who created this display probably look forward to waking up to brand new .44 magnums in their stockings each year.
How to Disrespect Christmas 101
I've always been under the impression that any toilet-related joke is usually a sign of disrespect. There's toilet paper with politicians faces on it and the same goes for urinal cakes, but this one is just wrong. What did Santa ever do to you for you to end up decorating your toilet in his likeness? Not only is this one of the weirdest Christmas decorations of all time, but the entire thing is a breeding ground for bacteria. Since you had the audacity to have either purchased this or, God forbid, took the time to make it, we're sure it's never been washed. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
This Is Just Wrong
We used to think that we were pretty hip and in with the times, but this picture proves that we have been horribly mistaken. Is this a boy band? Characters from a TV show? The new biggest heartthrob for 11-year-old girls? We don't even want to know. But what we do know is that if somebody put one of those on our Christmas tree, the holiday would be canceled that year. Whatever happened to the simple ornaments that you make in elementary school? They're festive and they get the job done. These mermaid ornaments are simply an abomination to the Christmas tradition.
Sweet Sweet Revenge
Whoever made this work of art did it for all of those who are sick and tired of being outdone by their neighbors. They were tired of their yard not always looking as good, annoyed at all of the parties the neighbors have, jealous of their outdoor cabanas. So this year the underdogs took a stand. Instead of trying to compete with neighbors, they put in minimal effort and made their next-door neighbors look like fools. Now their house is the comedic star of the neighborhood and the neighbors with all the lights look like try-hards. We appreciate your work -- you're a true man of the people. Merry Christmas.
Deck The Halls With Porta Potties
Without a doubt, this is one of the most creative, yet oh-so-wrong decorations we have ever seen. We guess that if you work in a port-a-potty yard and have to deal with the supplies you have on hand, this is exactly what you might come up with. What makes this so funny is that the decorators didn't just throw lights on some porta potties, it's that they actually had to individually stack each of them in order for them to take the form of a tree. We wonder who was the brave soul that suggested the idea and how long it actually took them to put this masterpiece together. This display exemplifies the true spirit of Christmas.
The Careless Decorator
There are 25-35 million real Christmas trees sold in the United States each year. Decorating the tree is a favorite holiday activity for many people. But by the looks of it, whoever was in charge of decorating this lobby probably wasn't really feeling in "the spirit of things." It's pretty clear that this decorator couldn't care any less about making the lobby look festive. It looks like they just put a tree in the middle of the room and went about the rest of their day. The dangling cord from the second story is a nice added touch. At this point, no tree is better than this tree. But hey, there's no place for Christmas in a business lobby anyway.
Star Light, Star Bright
For the most part, this house has an impressive setup going on. Granted, there is a lot of stimulation. But at least it's classy, unlike other houses we've seen. Most people would be able to drive past this house without driving their car into a tree, which is a definite plus. Yet, there's one questionable decoration that can easily be misinterpreted in the wrong way. Ah, yes, the giant pentagram looming over the entire house. That one star takes this house from a winter wonderland to a Satan worshipper's cover-up. Hopefully, this was an honest mistake and there isn't some wicked ritual going on inside.
Put The "Christ" Back In Christmas!
This is exactly why you don't bring your 13-year-old son and his friend Christmas shopping with you at Target... something like this is bound to happen. Most people with a good sense of humor might pass by, crack a smile, and move on. Yet others might see this little prank as sacrilegious and against everything that Christmas is supposed to stand for. You know, considering Jesus was supposedly born on Christmas and all. Sacrilege aside, this is a great prank and is sure to put anyone in the holiday spirit. Now someone just needs to hang this display on their mantle and wait to see who shows up in their chimney
X-Rated Decorations
What seems like an innocent decoration that you might find in your second-grade classroom might not be exactly what you think. If you look closely, there is something a little bit odd about this angel's hands. See it now? It's hard to know if this was intentional or not. If it was, that's hilarious. But if not, this artist might need to take an anatomy class or two. Hopefully, this decoration washes her hands on a regular basis. Maybe most people wouldn't notice this, but we certainly do, and this definitely constitutes as a Christmas fail.
What Is Wrong With You?
This is a cruel joke. Just for clarification, this is simply a decoration and is not a real person holding on for their dear life. This type of display is what happens when American's celebrate a holiday, we take it way too far. Apparently, concerned neighbors saw this and made an attempt to save the "man". It all went too far when a 55-year-old woman almost killed herself trying to rescue this seemingly desperate man only to find out that it was fake. It was only two days until the decoration had to be taken down due to safety reasons. Happy holidays, funny guy.
They Even Scared Santa
There is such as thing as going too overboard during Christmas, and this is a prime example of it. At this point, the decorations are just overwhelming, borderline frightening, and show that these people have no room in their garage for anything except Christmas decorations and extension cords. Their poor neighbors probably needed to get blackout shades just to sleep for this one month out of the year. Way to be inconsiderate. These decorators most likely need a Christmas savings account just to pay for their electricity bill during the holiday season. Is it really worth it? Our guess is no, and now these people just look like that one family on the street with a few screws loose.
The Morning After
It's all fun and games to own tacky inflatable Christmas decorations until the sun rises. In the morning, they just deflate into weird blobs of color that look almost as bad as when they are inflated. At least this way you don't have to hear the annoying generator filling them up with endless amounts of air, or see their creepy faces smiling at you from across the street. This particular one looks like the aftermath of a mass cult suicide that just went down on this person's front yard. The victims all happen to be Christmas characters. These things should just be banned already. We've all been subjected to them for long enough.
Festive Alcohol
Is this decoration inherently wrong? Yes. But is it untrue? No. It's no secret that one of the things people look forward to during the holidays is throwing back a couple of flaming eggnogs and glasses of wine at Christmas dinner. Well, that, and family...obviously. It's also no mistake that these boxes and bottles of alcohol are color-coordinated for the Christmas season. So the packaging can now double as both household decorations and as party favors. We would be very impressed to go to a Christmas party to find a sea of festive red and green bottles of alcohol. It would really turn the party up a notch!
Eclipse Glasses Recommended
I know that earlier we said it's the thought that counts. Well, we revoke that previous statement. Not only is this just tacky, but it is clearly a safety hazard. We need sunglasses just to look at it through a computer screen. Anyone driving past this might as well be staring directly into a flashlight. Have some respect and take pride in your neighborhood. This looks like a bunch of reindeer threw up all over the lawn. You know that there are services that will come and put up your Christmas lights in a tasteful manner (and for a reasonable price)? Maybe look into it next year.
Hope He Can Read Our Sign!
Just when people thought that all of the religion in the Christmas holiday had been replaced with tacky inflatable yard decorations, presents, alcohol, and office parties, these folks have come to save the day. Written very neatly, in bright LED lights, we can clearly see the phrase "Happy Birthday Jesus" to remind all of us sinners what Christmas is really all about. We also can't ignore that this house still wanted to participate in the festivities, so they made sure to decorate their house. After all, who wants to miss out on all the fun parts of Christmas?
Away In A Manger
Can a picture be both cute and equally horrifying? Apparently, it can. There's nothing more adorable than a sleeping German Shepard puppy, but that doll that I think is supposed to be baby Jesus is a little too much. Just by looking at this picture, it really makes you wonder what the rest of the nativity scene looks like. Are there more sleeping puppies lying around next to Mary and Joseph, or are those characters equally as frightening as the baby? Hopefully, this nativity scene is in the privacy of someone's home and not out in public at a church or something.
Bombs Away!
This is the perfect gift/decoration for that special someone that just can't get enough of bombs and explosions, even during the holidays. Tastefully painted gold, you can put it almost anywhere in your house or on your tree during your holiday decorating. Someone would really have to look closely to tell that there's a grenade dangling from your tree, next to the little ornament that you made for your mom when you were little. With this ornament, you can be festive, but still, let people know that you mean business during the holidays.
The Smell Of The Holidays!
Your Christmas tree won't be complete if you don't have a turd ornament dangling from it. I'm not sure who would ever buy this yet alone hang it from their tree, but whatever floats your boat! Props on attention to detail and accuracy. The ornament wouldn't be nearly as unique without the fake snow powdering its exterior. Although I can see the humor in it, I don't think your grandma would appreciate seeing this over Christmas dinner. Just hang it on the side of the tree that nobody can see anyway unless you want to show it off!
A Very Snooki Christmas
This one is for all of the people that just couldn't get enough of Jersey Shore and more specifically Snooki. Who wouldn't want this red dress-wearing busty New Jersey girl hanging from their Christmas tree? I'm assuming that Snooki's tree at home is just covered in ornaments of her. I wonder whose idea it was to make Christmas ornaments from the Jersey Shore characters and wonder even more who actually bought them? If you collect all of the characters, you can have a Jersey Shore reunion every year during Christmas time.
Santas Army
Imagine waking up and seeing this has appeared overnight. Somebody clearly really likes Christmas and has spent some serious time and money to make sure that their house is the essence of the Christmas spirit. Where do they keep all of those decorations, or do they just leave them up all year round? I'm sure that their neighbors look forward to the holidays every year just for this reason. At night, there's probably so much light coming from this setup that you can see it from an airplane! Santa surely won't be able to miss it!
A Christmas Miracle
Well, it looks like Marc either got really desperate or has more money than he even knows what to do with. It's either that or someone is playing a nasty trick on him, making his desire for a Latina girlfriend known to the world and even putting his email out for everyone to see. Let's just hope that this billboard did the trick and Marc was able to score a Latina girlfriend just in time for the holidays. It probably took hours to sort through all of the emails he received at ChristmasLatina@aol.com
A Tree Is A Tree
Not everyone has the money, space, or time to get a real-life Christmas tree, so you have to work with what you've got. Clearly, this is exactly what this person did and is still celebrating the holidays, just on a much lesser scale. They even still put presents under their makeshift tree. There's no taking up space, no mess, and maybe that air freshener smells like a pine tree! Maybe this person is ahead of their time and sitting back laughing at all of us while we deal with having a tree inside of our houses.
This Elf On The Shelf Is Banned From The Kitchen
Elf on the Shelf is a favorite holiday tradition for many, but after seeing this Christmas fail, you might never look at this smiling little elf the same way. If you're not familiar with Elf on the Shelf, here's the gist. It originated as a children's picture book in 2005. The book tells the story of how Santa Claus knows who is naughty and who is nice thanks to his elves who visit children between Thanksgiving an Christmas. It turned into a wildly popular tradition for people to move the elf to surprise locations throughout their homes. While people get creative hiding this little guy here and there, we suggest he stays out of the kitchen (and maybe the bathroom for that matter!)
Expectations Vs. Reality
One holiday tradition many families partake in is getting a group shot together in front of the Christmas tree to post on social media or send to friends and family. But taking the perfect group shot is easier said than done. The more people in the photograph, the harder it is to get a nice picture. Add animals to the mix? Good luck! This families' photo is a prime example of what can go wrong when trying to photograph 13 family members and two big dogs. A picture is truly worth 1,000 words!
This Ornament Might Have Vertigo
This ornament had use momentarily thinking we were suffering from a case of the spins. If you thought the same, fear not. Your eyes aren't playing tricks on. But someone at the ornament factory did make a pretty big mistake with the Christmas decoration. While this ornament is super cute and features a cheerful holiday design, it's got one major flaw. Perhaps someone who is particularly crafty could find a good use for this ornament amongst a themed Christmas tree. In a weird way, we think this little decoration is kind of charming!
When Noel's Cousin Is In Town
Each Christmas, millions of families go to church for the Christmas ceremony, where most of the time, Christmas songs are involved. This church thought they were doing their churchgoers a favor when they included the lyrics to Noel on a projector to make sure that everyone could sing along. The only problem was that whoever created the presentation spelled "Noel" wrong, over and over again. Sure, it's not the worst Christmas fail, and you can still understand what they mean, but we can't help but picturing a few of the adults snickering in the pews!
Mmmm Batteries
Alright so, first things first—getting batteries in your stocking would be a delight. Batteries are totally useful but definitely not cheap, and are one of those things we prefer to be gifted rather than having to buy ourselves. But while we wouldn't be upset if a package of batteries found its way into our Christmas loot, we can't help but laugh at this store's labeling fail. Batteries are definitely not stocking candy and are definitely not edible in any way, shape, or form. We'll still take the batteries and the candy though—just make sure they're separate!
Donner? Is That You?
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of them all? Christmas music is amazing and quite frankly should be listened to year-round, but hey, that's just our opinion. We love Christmas music, and especially love classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. We'd be honored to don a coffee mug around the office that featured one of the nine famous reindeers from Santa's crew. But wait—who is Donder? And what have you done with Donner?! It turns out that in the original version of the poem, the reindeer was named Donder! Maybe this one isn't really a fail.
Maybe Hire a Decorating Crew Next Year
Christmas decorating is one of the best parts of the holiday season. But Christmas decorating is no joke, especially when it comes to the outdoor decor. A lot goes into donning a house with Christmas lights. There are ladders involved. And nails? Wait, are nails involved? Anyway, Christmas decorating is no joke. With that in mind, we can't really blame this homeowner for this epic Christmas light fail that looks essentially like a...well, you know. Perhaps next year they should forgo the outside lighting situation altogether and stick to a nice holiday wreath.
No, We Don't Need A Gift Idea Actually
Alright, we don't care how much you like ketchup. There is no one on Earth who loves ketchup so much that they would be overjoyed to receive it as a Christmas gift. First of all, ketchup is not that expensive and is a nice thing to buy, on say, a Monday night when you're at the grocery store and need ketchup. Two, ketchup isn't even that great of a condiment if we do say so ourselves (alright, perhaps this is an unpopular opinion). Either way, we know Heinz wasn't all that serious with this label, but still, we can help but think about what we'd do if we were actually gifted a bottle of the red stuff.
Hail Santa
Kids say the darndest things right? Right! This little girl included. Who doesn't love a handmade Christmas card from their son or daughter? This little cutie had the best intentions when she sat down to draw a Christmas card for mom and dad. Unfortunately, she made a crucial spelling error which derails her card completely. Santa still look good though, so perhaps this is a job for White Out. A little editing help and this one will be ready to go on display on the fridge in no time at all! Hail Santa!
That Doesn't Look Like a Christmas Tree
Alright, Reese's, we love your delicious candy, but this is purely false advertising. We can't imagine the look on this person's face when they opened their treat only to find this brown blob of chocolate and peanut-buttery goodness rather than a cute little Christmas tree. In Reese's defense, their delicious candy will still taste the same no matter what shape it's in, so we guess that's all that matters. Maybe they should stick to the classic peanut butter cups though!
Nailed It
Eeeek, this house's Christmas lights make us giggle. Not because they could use some help, but because we know we totally couldn't decorate our homes any better and it's nice to see a house that doesn't look like it was professionally decorated every once in a while. We are left with lots of questions though. Mainly, the decorator's thought process behind stringing these lights. One thing's for sure—the definitely nailed the whole aloof thing. Sure, these decorations might not be the best, but at least they got in the holiday spirit and tried!
That Should Be An Interesting Breakfast
Ah, a good ol' marquee sign. Telling people useful information about events and relaying insightful quotes since forever. Oh, and also delivering endless laughter when some spells something wrong or when someone tweaks the original message. When Lindemann Elementary School posted the details of their December breakfast on the school's marquee sign, a small spelling mistake took the sign from sweet and innocent to inappropriate and honestly, downright hilarious! We think it's safe to say that this event is featuring Santa and not the other dude, but who knows?
Not-So-Shatterproof
Decorating the Christmas tree is a fun tradition millions participate in every holiday season. But decorating a Christmas tree comes with its fair share of trials and tribulations. First, you have to get the Christmas tree which is no easy feat. Ya gotta either go buy one and lug the big thing down or you have to piece together a fake one. Once this crucial first step is completed, you have to decorate it. Between lights, and tinsel, this is a challenge. But then, the ornaments? This might be the most anxiety-filled part of it all. Fragile pieces of glass that must hang feet above the floor...yikes! Even these so-called shatterproof ornaments are proof that we can't have nice things.
Simple, But Effective
Santa probably won't be pleased with the fact that this person isn't taking his big day very seriously. But, if you're someone who hates putting up decorations as much as I do, this is a great way to kill two bird with one stone. You already did all the work to prepare for Halloween and now you're just doing your best to remain festive. The Santa hat is a nice touch, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, when Christmas is over you can remove the hat and leave the skeleton there for Easter. It symbolizes the death and rebirth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Cat Proofing
It's a shame this beautiful Christmas tree has to be caged up like this. But those who own pets know that no matter how well trained they are you can't trust them with nice things. If kitty had her way, she'd be perched on top because in her mind there's only one star in that house. I have a dog who happens to be a liability as well. So I know a trick or two when it comes keeping important things out of reach. That said, I don't even bother with the Christmas tree because I know by the end of the holidays the pooch will have pissed on it multi times and chewed on all the branches.
Classic
Fans of the movie recognize this classic uncle Eddie scene. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the most underrated Christmas movie out there. I say "underrated" because it's rarely talked about as being the best ever made, but if I had to pick one, I'd say it's my number one. National Lampoon's early projects were Oscar worthy. As the years went on, their stuff trailed off considerably, producing duds like "Spring Break 24/7" and "Pledge This!" But the Animal House, Christmas Vacation days, those were the good ones.
When Dad's In Charge
This is what happens when you leave dad in charge of decorating the house for Christmas. It's a gruesome scene, to say the least, one few parents would want to subject their kids to. It's also pretty damn funny. If this is something everyone in the family is used to then why not let dad have a little fun. Part of what makes Christmas such an amazing holiday is all the time family spends together preparing for it. That includes decorating, baking, shopping, eating and, if you're old enough, drinking. It's a family holiday in the purest sense, something dad seems to understand very well.
Hmm...
When you finally see it you won't be able to unsee it. I'm sure this was just an unfortunate coincidence. The above Christmas banner genuinely seems innocent. But that doesn't change the fact that the design of this decoration is a big fail. However, the bigger fail is the person who still hasn't noticed and continues to hang the banner up every year. Or maybe they have noticed and are willingly hanging this thing up in order to troll everyone else. My money is on the latter, there's no way you can miss something so obvious.
Technically, This Is Right
Times are tough for everyone during Christmas. There's never enough money to pay for all the things you need. We all feel compelled to buy gifts for our family and friends and then we have to decorate. At some point, we have to make a choice. In this case, it was the decorations drew the short straw. It's festive only because it's super clever. Christmas is indeed the celebration of Jesus' birth, meaning the Happy Birthday sign really plays well here. Also, the clear lack of effort here is what makes this so funny. He could have put more work into finding a nicer font put chose to with black and white.
That Doesn't Look Right
This is what happens when you break out the Christmas decorations for a bunch of ungrateful children who just want to cause trouble and get under your skin. It was originally supposed to read "Santa". That was until little Johnny got his mischievious paws on the letters and moved the "N" to the end in order to make it read "Satan." That, or this is a family of anarchist devil worshipers who boycott Christmas and just want to see the world burn. Now that I think about it, both scenarios seem plausible. I'm willing to bet it's the first one though.
The Real Story Behind Rudolph
There's a part of the story few people talk about. Like all teams, Santa's squad of faithful reindeer has a max roster size, meaning there can only be so many reindeer on the team at once. The day Rudolph joined the team, Santa was forced to make a separate roster move to make room for his young rookie. A reindeer named Cancer was cut from the team that day. Since Santa didn't want to lose his faithful servant, he sent him to work with the elves, hence why the above reindeer is dressed like one of them. It's a sad story, that's why no one really talks about it.
Are You Ready Kids?
Nothing screams Christmas like a blow-up Sponge Bob Square Pants sitting on top of a gift-wrapped box. It's also worth pointing out that my man Sponge Bob is wearing a Santa hat, making this particular decoration extra festive. Some might say this brand of decoration is weird. I say otherwise. Christmas is all about getting weird with the family and Sponge Bob is as weird as they come. He really sets the tone. Coudos to whoever went out on a limb and blew this one up.
No Decorations Are Safe
As awful as it sounds, I used to love screwing with my mother's Christmas decorations, specifically her nativity scene. I didn't do anything lewd with them, I just moved some of the pieces around. In some cases, I would hide them. If I was ever caught, I'd blame it on my baby sister. That's why I can relate to this picture. At first glance, everything looks perfectly normal, but take a second look and you'll find that one these things doesn't quite fit with the rest of the decorations. I'll give you a hint, look at the top right second of the picture.
Nailed it
Oh, I see what you did there. So punny. You have the bread draped over the jar of ground ginger to make a "gingerbread house." You are just so clever. Since we've all laughed at your awesome joke, maybe now you can make a proper gingerbread house. Gingerbread related pastry is why I look forward to Christmas so, in my eyes, this is straight up blasphemy. My mother slaves away every holiday season to prepare the best gingerbread treats. She works too damn hard for me to let this one go. I'm not giving up until you apologize to her.
Pure Gold
I don't Santa would be pleased to learn that for Christmas decorations, this town decided to hang several sets of Mrs. Claus' golden panties. in fact, if he were here right now he'd probably request that they'd be taken down. It's a beautiful homage to the brains behind Santa's operation, but if they wanted to give her a hat tip there was probably a better way. Sorry, not probably. There's definitely a better way give Mrs. Claus a shoutout then to hang up her underwear in street for everyone in the town to see. Mind you, they are pretty panties.
When It's December But You Want It To Be March
I know the Irish might kill me for this but Christmas is a far superior holiday. My ranked list for favorite holidays goes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Christmas in July, Easter and then, finally, St. Patrick's Day. With the exception of Easter, it's socially acceptable to drink more than usual during each of the holidays I mentioned. So when you pull drinking out of the equation, St Pat's doesn't really hold a candle to Christmas. The December holiday has the best movies, great food, plenty of booze and tons of time off work. The only thing it lacks is warm weather, which only seems to bother me.
It All Makes Sense Now
You wanted to know why Santa's cheeks were always so red and Cancer the reindeer was the one he cut from the team to make room for Rudolph. Well, now you have your answer. In addition to having a very poor influence on Santa, Cancer was a heavy smoker who wasn't conditioned enough to make it through the night. Many of his fellow reindeer complained, saying he wasn't pulling his weight, that he was always lagging behind. Santa noticed he was becoming a burden to the team — dead weight, some might even say. So, Santa cut him, in favor of a young prospect named Rudolph.
The Grinch Is Real
Who actually goes around stealing Christmas decorations. That has to be one of the lowest things anyone can do. Think about it. Someone worked hard not only to pay for those decorations but to put them up instead. And then, out of nowhere, another person swoops in a steals their Christmas cheer. This is Grinch come to life. The nerve. Whoever did this needs to be punished to the full extent of the law. This criminal needs to be prosecuted under special, Christmas circumstances. I'm calling for 25 years to life, without the possibility of parole. I say we lock him up for good and throw away the key so that he can never steal Christmas again.
Low Key Haters
This is for the people who want to participate and seem festive but low key hates the holiday. Apparently, everything can be Christmas themed, including toilet paper. Instead of just telling people you wipe your butt with Christmas decorations, you can buy a few rolls of this stuff and literally wipe your bum with Santa's face. If you're someone who finds the holidays unbearable it might just be the thing that helps you get through all the awful tunes, fake cheer and dreadful weather this holiday season. But, you don't have to take my word for it, try it out yourself.
Nice
I see the local shopping mall is pulling out all the stops this holiday season. The committee got together early in November and said screw the tree and the cheesy decorations that go with it, we've got something better. We've got massive, King Kong-sized pile of turd wrapped in Christmas lights for the kids this season. Mall Santa will be able to set himself up beside and the sheer glory of it will distract people from the fact that once again, the guy they hired to is drunk. It's brilliant. I'm only jealous I didn't think of this myself.
Uh-Oh
Mom's got her hands on the bottle wine again. Someone needs to slow her down before she sparks the barbeque up and adds an alternate ending to the nativity scene. If I remember correctly, Jesus doesn't die until April and that the stable that he was born in didn't spontaneously combust. I'm all for making things more exciting, sensationalizing the boring stories we learned when we were younger but I'm not out to ruin any childhoods here. So, mom, put the bottle down and step away from the appliance before anything bad happens. It's not too late for you.
The Evil Elf
This isn't your average Elf on the Shelf. This is the evil elf, sent to earth by the devil and planted within Santa's ranks with one task, and one task only, to ruin Christmas. Each year, Lucifer sends a different elf to infiltrate Santa's operation and it becomes a race to see whether or not the evil elf can complete his mission before Santa discovers him. The evil elf has never succeeded. The one holding the knife in the above picture was captured almost two years ago in an attempt to assassinate Santa. Needless to say, his plan was unsuccessful.
Interesting
This is a very interesting take on Santa's sleigh. It's a kayak that Santa is using to ride down the roof. I've seen many weird Christmas decorations in my day but this one takes the cake. I just don't understand why. Why a kayak? Is this a family who kayaks a lot. Does Santa kayak in his spare time? I don't know. What I do know is this family went all out on their decorations this season. Just think about what that utility bill is going to be at the end of the month. Talk about taking one for the team.
