We all how destructive and weird our kids can be. It's like they were sent down from an alien planet determined to make us only slightly crazier. Not enough to destroy the human race, but just a little bit so that we lie in bed at night thinking about why our brain hurts.
Hats off to babysitters for putting in the part-time demon-wrangling that they do because it's one heck of a job.
This Babysitter Needs Therapy Now
What was once a beautiful drawing now looks like some sort of Victorian ghost that met an untimely end. If you say its name in the mirror three times, your child will figure out a way to unlock the bathroom door and appear behind you.
"Personal Space" Goes Out The Window When You Become A Parent
This is equal parts creepy, gross, and sweet. Might as well take the quality time you can with your child, since they're going to avoid you like the plague the minute they turn 12. Even if that quality time involves poo-smelling.
Flonase, Not Even Once
If this mother wasn't already using Flonase, then now is the perfect time to start. Just a little something to take the edge of their neighbor's judgmental stare off and decongest the nostrils.
I Am Always The "Other Mom"
This kid inadvertently found the best way to sweetly and innocently destroy this parent's self-esteem. This kind of psychological torture is practically military-grade it's so effective. I would know because I too am the "other mom."
This Kid Took A Bite Out Of Every Single Cookie And One Out Of My Soul
Of course, it had to be these divine cookies. These cookies are easily the best ones in the world, and this kid had to go and ruin them for this parent. My heart goes out to this family.
My Compliments To The Chef
This is one of those times when you just let your child win an argument. The worst thing you can do is correct them in this moment, because then you'll never trust them in the kitchen again.
Kids Are Like Hair Elastics—We Find Them In The Weirdest Places
If there's rattling coming from your walls, it's probably not a burst pipe or termites. No, it's probably a toddler that's wormed their way back there somehow for no reason.
This Parent Is Gonna Put In Extra Homework-Help Hours
Look...I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but this kid is definitely getting a liberal arts degree. They're just not good at math. But wow, do they have the confidence to make up for it.
If You Don't Have "Baby Shark" Stuck In Your Head, Then You're Not A Parent
Go ahead and chisel this song's lyrics onto my tombstone because it will be the thing that killed me. For an entire year, this was my kid's number one car-song request. Honestly, I would've preferred Kidz Bop—that's how badly this song has broken me.
Guess They Have To Sell The House
There's no way on God's green earth that all this styrofoam is ever getting cleaned up. They're going to be finding that crap in their socks for the next five years.
Pro-Tip: Just Never Use The Bathroom
I hope nobody walked by this poor mom at this moment because there's no correct way to handle this scenario. Might as well just lean into the chaos and make direct eye contact with strangers.
This Expensive DI-Why
I respect this kid's dedication to art and belief that anything can be a canvas...but he could've chosen a less expensive canvas. And maybe not one that provides his parents their only source of joy after a long day.
The "Breakfast In Bed" These Kids Made Their Parent Went Up In Smoke
At 7 a.m., while trying to clear out the smoke, stop the fire alarm from going off, tell the kids to calm down, and clean up the mess they made, I'm sure this parent just muttered "it's the thought that counts" repeatedly.
Who Really Runs The House?
So it is yelled by a 5-year-old, so it shall be done. Even though we think we hold onto some semblance of control, this tweet reminds us that we're just puppets.
You Can't Turn Your Back On Kids For A Moment
Not only will your kids try to kill each other if you take your eye off them for a second, but they'll do it in a way that destroys an expensive historical landmark. I don't know about other parents, but I can't be footing the bill for a Civil War cannon.
This Isn't A She Wolf Recreation—This Is Parenting
I don't know how this happened, I don't know why this happened, but I can confidently say that this is definitely not the last time this will happen. I love my kids, but oh my God, sometimes I think Air Bud is smarter.
You Gotta Explain The Dark Side Of The World
This parent is stuck in a tough spot. Either they ruin the precious illusion their child has that the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer, or they ruin the past two years of potty training. Godspeed.
Michelangelo Painted The Sistine Chapel, This Kid Painted A Rainbow-Farting Moose
Yeah, okay, what a beautiful and creative piece of art. Now get ready for Mommy and Daddy to silently cry while they try and scrub it off and paint match three different shades.
A Good Sign Your Kids Are Plotting Against You
Kids are literally always trying to kill you and that's all you need to know. Maybe not consciously, but it's always in the back of their minds when they lie awake at night. I think that might be scarier.
This Kid Is "Stuck"
Hopefully, this kid can one day exit this self-constructed prison, because I don't know if any parent on earth has the patience to explain to him that he can exit the box.
How Toilet Time Usually Goes For Kids
This is par for the course for the goat rodeo that is toilet time with children. Think about it—sure, he may be in the toilet, but at least he doesn't have your toothbrush in there with him.
This Kid Is Going To Be A Great Horror Writer
I would be scared of these underpants too. Not only are they evil, but there's exactly seven of them. You know someone's a true psychopath if they own exactly seven. Normal people own like 36.
A Great Start To The Morning
Yep, this is officially the scariest way to wake up. There's no way that there's just a simple "fart" left on the floor. I do appreciate the discretion of the metaphor, though.
They Online Shop Harder Than We Do After A Glass Of Wine
I sincerely hope this isn't the second time this has happened to this parent, since their kid is ordering the "Extension Pack" version. Also, I love how the Amazon agent seemed to just know which product it was.
Good Luck Getting A Word In
We're lucky if we can ever get anything done in our houses because our kids will literally interrupt us while we're doing anything. Tax season can just wait until after their multiple stories about games they played at school.
Imagine Buying Your Kid An Expensive Costume And They Opt To Be A "Box" For Halloween
Kids, I'm slowly beginning to realize, are exactly like cats in that you can buy them a hundred expensive toys and goods and they will opt for a box. Except for when they throw tantrums in the toy aisle.
Coffemate—Now With Chewed Chicken Nugget
If this kid ever wants to work at Starbucks, I encourage him to apply. He's got the customer service and care that we all look for in a great barista. Plus, there are zero chicken nuggets on the menu.
Bring Your Resume To The Delivery Room
Can we add "like the constant sound of a child's voice" to this list? Because that's a very real and very necessary requirement. You can even add that as the cause of the lack of sleep because It. Does. Not. Stop. Ever.
Cleaning Just Feels Like Putting Your Finger In A Burst Dam
Because, apparently, dirt piles are the only things that we have jurisdiction over these days. That's if, and only if, we control the floor we're sweeping too. And that's a huge ask because that floor is prime Barbie-village-building ground.
Because Nothing's Scarier Than Kids
This is exactly what happens when you have kids, they begin to haunt your life. It shouldn't be called "raising a child," it's more accurately called "being uncontrollably possessed for 18 years."
